Dharmist in Progress

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." ~ Einstein

Wake Up in the Morning Feeling Like…

on May 16, 2012

My alarm goes off at 6:00am.  One of two scenarios:

  • I get up, take a shower, get ready for work.
  • I roll over and go back to sleep, because I was only waking up early to do a bit of yoga and pray.

Now, wait a moment. Only getting up to pray?  Only getting up to meditate and try to become closer to Shiva?

No.  That is not how it works.  So why does it seem impossible to drag myself out of bed, even when I promise myself a nap afterward?

Why is work a higher priority than my soul?

Well, there is a simple answer.  Work gives me money for food.  Work gives me something to do.  Work allows me to support my family.

Work is selfless.  Worship is selfish.

No, not buying an $80 pair of shoes when you’re on a ramen noodle budget selfish.  Selfish in that the only person that it directly benefits is me.  I am not my top priority, and I never have been.  I feel guilty every month when I see the $43 automatically withdrawn from my bank account to pay for my Weight Watchers membership.  I was only able to talk myself into that membership by convincing myself that I needed to do it so that I would live longer and be with my family longer.

My self esteem issues and selflessness are deeply rooted within me.  I’m not saying that I am never selfish, but I have always been fussed at for spending Christmas or birthday money on other people.  I have always been there for my friends, even though they’re rarely there for me.  I even cook meat and vegetables that I don’t like for my fiance, because his happiness is such a high priority for me.

I am not submissive.  I never ask his permission to do things, and we discuss big purchases like two responsible adults.  Never would I consider either of us to be subservient.  He carries all of the groceries despite my protests, and I always cook.  It’s a partnership, not an ownership.

So, I can stand up for my own well-being with my fiance, but not with myself?

I have to ponder this subject more.  I am a priority, and I need to make myself aware of that fact.

Namaste.

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